Behind my smile , there is a pain no one can see. Some memories still haunt me .. I still feel broken like my soul has been ripped apart, my heart torn out from my chest. The pain inside me becomes untamable.I feel lost .. I feel sick ..I feel hopeless.I sometimes want to vent out my despair ,to become free from those non stopping scenes in my head replaying over and over again in my head whenever I see a familiar place.But again I don’t feel ready to trust someone to be able to confide. I feel everyone gona hurt me at some point or another. I fear close connections so much that I distant myself right away after knowing someone likes me .
I try so much to gain back my self confidence I had once before but after being kind of cheated on by false promises , I feel I can’t turn back the way I used to be. Even though I know I have made so much mistakes which can not be remedied , I still feel true love does not exist on this planet at least ( dont know about others , never been there apart from earth :P). I have suffered a lot and paid a lot for my mistakes and (still paying some 😛 ) , I feel I need to get up again .
Drinking won’t help , smoking won’t help as am still like crushed by a heavy weight every time I am stoned or drunk . I think its time to stop mourning and start living . At least not living fully , but slowly getting back on track and trying to make peace with myself . I can not undo my past but I can certainly change my future . I once loved so much that I have totally broke my soul. Like a kid that become naughty and greedy when his parents give him too much ( kan to soutir 1 zenfan li mont lor to latet comme on dit en creole) , I was once like this kid . But realising that I guess made me more mature and ever ready to face life and all that it has to throw at me.
As someone truly said ” errors should be reason for growth not excuses for discouragement”.